see you next time

happy halloween!

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:47:34 -0500

well, we actually missed the day of as he had a fever for no discernable reason but i did put him in his costume the day before and here is a picture of him as a sock monkey and me as a very tired mother at 6:30 am:

Halloween

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10 month old!

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 10:18:18 -0400

Holden as super bot

he is not heiling hitler ... i don't think.

there is a lot of stuff between these two months that i've been mia - but i have a dentist appointment at 11:30, so just know that i think of posting often and do not do it.

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8 months tomorrow

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 12:10:47 -0400

18 lbs to go.

HA ! look what i did? i increased my weight loss by 2 lbs. how did you do that, michele? you ask - maybe with a little judgement in your tone. no? no judgement? that's all in my head? oh f off. no! i don't mean it. i just am having a really bad fat year. love me? how i gained 2 lbs is something that only the three cupcakes can answer. i asked them as i was eating them and they said "better not tell you now" however, i have a plan! yes. it's like renew u but um more feasible. i will do my 20 min three times a week. monday, wednesday & saturday. i really really will! i hope.

what else do i have to say to you?

oh yes - leaving for dad's in about 2 weeks. i'm sort of looking forward to it. it's like getting a mole removed. i want that fricking mole GONE but why you gotta put a needle into my back? and that scraping - ugh. i don't wanna think about it. oooh, wow! it's exactly like getting a mole removed.

as we enter into the end of august, i think - this is my last august in ny and i get a little bit happy / sad. mostly happy. ihatethisfrickinghumidity.

meanwhile, my baby takes his sunday nap and i type in the air conditioning while my husband sleeps in the front room sans air. what's his deal right?

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fool me once

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 11:09:35 -0400

i am having the difficulties with the motivation. i have many things that should motivate me. seeing my father in less than a month, my son patting my belly & clothes i used to wear - yet, none of these external factors have lead to much of a change in the olde project. ho hum.

i actually have 4 months - so uh, yeah. i guess, august 24th will really kick me in gear.

man, if only i could get paid in excuses.

so yesterday holden went to his first birthday party. i was ridiculously excited. not only would i be able to leave the house, we were going where there would be grown-ups and children for the bot to play with - it was his first fricking party! the expectations for this event were high. as it turns out - too high. we arrived about 45 min after it was to begin. holden's nap ended around 11:45 and the party was starting at noon but i figured - it's outside and children are involved, it's probably more of an open house, where people come and go. we get there and there is the mom and no one else. she's putting stuff up still and it's around 12:45 - the party was supposed to start at noon, in case you didn't do the math - she says "oh the birthday girl isn't here yet and you're the second person to arrive". oh ok. so, whatever - we're outside and it's a park, we'll sit in the grass and play! except where she set up there really wasn't any grass, it was more dirt and some grass ... and of course, i forgot a blanket. ugh. she had one but it didn't matter because all he wanted to do was play in the dirt. so, for about an hour, we played HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP AN ALMOST 8 MONTH OLD AWAY FROM DIRT. in that time, some more people arrived and there was milling but no kids his age and i was the only white person there - which, i'm pretty sure i'm not supposed to mention or notice but there it is - white me, my son who just wants to put dirt in his mouth and all these people who probably have known each other since they were kids and it was extremely lonely. after an hour, i gave up waiting for the birthday girl and our first kid party was a bit of a bust. i almost didn't go because stan had to work but i just don't know many people with kids. thus me going to a neighbors birthday party. a neighbor i really don't 'know'. to the extent that when i said we were leaving, i was afraid i had gotten her name wrong. don't get me wrong, i have one of my dearest friends amy but as extreme as this may sound - she lives in queens which may as well be seattle and she just had the amazing ruby 5 weeks ago so we're sort of on different playing fields. also, she has a network of family that can take care of ruby and i gots not a lotta help. so, i'm lonely and tired. would you like some brie with this whine?

blah.

ok so here it is sunday and stan is napping before he works tonight and again, i'm going to be isolated with the most amazing kiddo and i'm bummed. i guess i need to expand my horizons.

tomorrow by the way, i will run 20 min. OH YES I WILL. maybe.

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words to live by

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 10:37:32 -0400

oh bed-stuy! why don't you read the dam ass writing on the subway walls.

Love thy everyone

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what'cha gonna do?

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 12:44:35 -0400

so my whole project has been a bit of a failure. better to say it's the project that's the failure, as opposed to me. ME NO WANT TO BE NO FAILURE. so i'm not - it's just the project.

the good news is that i have 3 months to get back to where i was before bot. three months to lose 16 lbs. well, i'd be happy with 10.

where did i go wrong, you may be wondering. well. i can pinpoint it. on friday, i got a call back for a movie that i auditioned for through my la agent. it set me in a tailspin. you'd think this would probably motivate me - right? a fricking major studio thought for 10 min about having me in their big ass movie. the fact that i would be one of many talking dogs doesn't really disturb me. i mean, why would it? a MOVIE! with me in the credits! come on guys! (the movie is marmaduke, the major studio is 20th century fox - so i can stop speaking in code) so friday was all about the possibility of me flying to LA for the callback and then not having to and then the weekend was stan working on saturday and sunday being kind of eh, and monday being not called back nor in the movie & the heat. dear God the heat and here we are in excuse land!

so, tonight, i dedicate my run to you, my dear reader.

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habit. the word i was looking for is habit.

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 10:06:13 -0400

ok! i am on day 3 and yesterday was a huge success. i ran after work. that is my success story.

i've been having crazy ass dreams lately. if i'm pregnant, just shoot me. because that's all i remember of my first trimester. you probably get really crazy dreams because you're asleep 70% of the time. amirite? i'm still sort of disturbed by the one i had last night which may lead me down rabbit trails of insanity in my brain. do not worry though, i have no access to firearms or weaponry.

tonight i am going to clean my tv area. yes. that's the trilling adventure of tonight.

here's a picture of holden. it's been too long

Holden 7 months

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day u

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 10:58:23 -0400

hola! como blah blah blah? yeah? me too!

today being day 2, i tackled one of the hardest to keep clean rooms of the house - the bathroom. ohmygodcouldibeanymoreboring?

it's done. i'm on schedule. i have to clean myself at some point but the good news is, i can now put holden's sweet little butt in the bathtub and we can get rid of his baby tub. ouch! dats some sad news dere.

why am i doing this? i keep asking myself and these are the things i've come up with:

1) i'm not going to get a maid. i've been thinking about it but since we're going to be doing a big move soon, the money i save will be given to a stinky man from a slovic block country. everyone wins!

2) i'm going to be seeing my father in a little over a month. i haven't seen my father in - get ready to get your mind blown - 18 years. i would prefer him to see me a lot firmer and better in shape than i am currently. he has a tendency to give me endearing nicknames like fat ass.

3) i read jule & julia which reminded me that i like a good project - but i'm not insane. a month will do it! also a month has more than 3 weeks and everyone knows that 3 weeks helps you start a trend. not a trend ... shit a ... fuck! i can't remember that stupid fucking word that is means a repeatable activity in your life. augh!!!! also, i think it's three months - this fucking project is doomed.

happy sunday!

ps - my husband put up his first blog post!

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the excercist

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 12:14:45 -0400

so! in a previous post, i said i would get up at 5:30 am and excercise every other day alternating with cleaning a room.

today, i did NOT get up at 5:30 because when i posted that i forgot all about the old feed sacks and how they're more full than the target on alantic on a pay day. do not get discouraged though! I DID IT! i got up around 6:15 with holden, fed him, fed me, pumped some of the excess milk out for a later feeding and got on the fricking treadmill for 20 min. 20 min.? you're thinking. what happened to when you'd run 6 miles? uh, i'll get there. in the meantime, let me bask in the sweaty glow of day 1 of a 31 day renewing mo project. oh that's so fucking ghey.

whatever! i did it. i have run-ish this moring, i've done kitty litter!l, changed the sheets & we've gone to the park and swung on the swings. all this before 11 am. in your face DAY. how's it feel to be my bitch?

day 2 - clean the bathroom.

stay tuned

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bedtime seems to be the hardest word

nobody@vox.com(seeyounexttime) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 11:17:16 -0400

we've been doing a very pussy footed approach to crying it out. i put him down mostly awake and then leave and wait for him to cry and then wait 5 min (ok - 4 or 3) and then go in and try desperately not to pick him up but generally pick him up. THE GOOD NEWS is that he's been just going down the first time so our sad sack method of cry it out has been a hit.

until last night.

holden was exhausted when i picked him up from daycare. bone tired. red eyed. muttering baby curses at me while i walked him home, throwing a fit when i put him down to go to the bathroom, alternating between spewing his dinner back at me and eating it like he'd never been fed and just all in all behaving as if he was never going to forgive me for his birth. last night was definitely not our finest hour(s). so, by 7, i was ready, ney craving, his sleep. little did i know this mo fo was not going down without a fight. it began innocently enough of a little breast feeding followed by goodnight moon. he seemed ready for his crib and so with just a little rocking and ssshing, i laid him down. he immediately went to play with his musical turtle thing that hangs on the side but that's usual and so i left him to go back to read "julie & julia". the moment i closed the door the theatrics ensued. oh, the screams. however, i stood firm with myself and went to do dishes instead to drown out the cries and stayed at it for 5 min. the screams had stayed strong so i went in with the thought of a little pat pat and night night. oh no. holden was standing and leaning on the crib with his arms out. so, i bowed to his NON-TEARSTREAKED EYES and held him for another 10 min. what? he's my bean! the dude that seemed so tired not 15 min ago now seemed raring to go - so then i have this dilemma of, do i quick trying and play instead? or stay firm. i did not succumb and put him back down, where he proceeded to scream for another 5 min. go in, same thing but settles back down quicker ... repeat for an hour and a half.

AN HOUR AND A HALF.

by the time it was over, i had cried once. he had cried lots and i honestly couldn't decide if i had misread the tired signs and had just tortured my son for that period of time or he was just that tired.

looking back on last night, i'm still not sure.

this post was brought to you by my insecurity.

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