tender headed

this weekend i went to the wedding of one of the sweetest women i know.  she married a guy who i wanna like for her sake and so that's what i've made myself do but i stand back and silently judge him and his treatment of her.  he's not abusive per se but well, she deserves so much more.  the wedding was lovely.  she wore her mothers wedding dress and look perfect.  the maid of honor, a friend from college - for that matter, the bride is also technically a friend from college but we've also grown up together in the sense that 18 - 38 are years you grow up in and the maid of honor was just a friend of mine from college that i grew distant from in the way you do with friends from college - phew! - anyway, the maid of honor was a bit of a mess.  here i sit again, judging silently.  she's one of those people who knows what's good for you and your life while her own life is a bit like pig pen.  it just keeps getting messier and rising up around her.  sooooooo why am i telling you this?  i don't know.  i am having big time guilt about a) judging b) not helping.  this weekend brought up a lot of feelings that i've been pushing down. i didn't want to be in a friendship where i felt the need to constantly help when people can fix their own lives without me.  i wanted to actually become interestingly less like the messy maid of honor.  however, the guilt doesn't really go away. in fact, i now just feel guilty because i don't want to help.  i want to not have drama and so what do i do? create drama by escaping drama filled friendships.  what am i going to actively do about this?  learn to live with the guilt because guilt is a wasted and useless emotion.  i have no more use for guilt & drama.  typing makes it so, right?

HOWEVER, i became re-aquainted with a friend that i had in college who i'm really glad is back in my life.  so, this weekend had a lot of great in it as well as guilt. 

i'll be over here sticking with my crazy feelings. 

why am i posting this crap?